There have been quite a few times that ive cheated death. all of course by which were by my own hand. or well, would have been, had i gone through with any plans on mine.
i have battled depression and dark thoughts most of my life from childhood, teen years and adulthood. id be lying if i said my thoughts dont still go dark some of the time. but im in a much better position now. before, i lacked the only thing that matters...Jesus Christ.
No, He has not miraculously healed me, not through lack of faith, for i have like paul, asked him many times, and the answer i consistantly get, is that His grace is sufficient for me. i know for some He will heal and take away mental illness, but there are those of us, perhaps theres a certain beauty in the breakdown if you will. it draws us closer to Him, nearer to the one who catches every tear in His bottle. and makes for an even greater testimony of unwavering faith in extraordinary circumstances. theres a purpose to all this pain, all this suffering, and He is using it for His glory, and to save souls.
not every story is going to be neat and packaged up with a bow tie, there's grit, and grace, and realness and humaness too. there tears and running noses, hands clenched so tight to the frayed worn fabrics of our bedsheets we wrap ourselves in, just wanting something to hold onto.
so, yes i have struggled. the first time was when i was 14 years old. i did not yet know the Lord, but i knew enough about Him from others who had relationship with Him, to be angry at Him. why didnt he stop it? why did He allow the abuse to happen? and so i planned on ending things and being done with it all. but cowardice? perhaps a strong will to still live? stopped me in my tracks.
another time i was 18-19. and this is when i wrote ''the letters''. no...not love letters...goodbye letters. my final words i would ever speak to my loved ones. i kept them secreted away like something in me knew they were wrong and 'other' and not normal. like something knew i was going against my own survival instincts.
years later after i knew the Lord at age 25, He had me to take those letters...and rip them up and throw them away. His Spirit saying to mine "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.-Jeremiah 29:11
and of course this: Isaiah 30:21“And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left.”
and so here i am, encouraging you all, please dont give up or give in. thats what the enemy wants. instead, cast ALL your anxieties upon Him, for He cares for you.
for i can promise you this: Psalm 37:25-26
25 I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread. 26 He is ever [1] merciful, and lendeth; and his seed is blessed.
ive never seen one of His, those that are truly His, forgotten, discarded or lacking in any thing.He always provides for His own.
Below you will see my instagram/threads post of a poem called ''the letters'', here is the scriptures paired with it:
" if you're looking for a sign to keep going, this is it. stay strong and if your strength should fail you, PRESS in to God and let HIM be your strength. don't give up!
Psalm 31:24 ESV / 3,950 helpful votes
Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!
1 Corinthians 16:13 ESV / 3,830 helpful votes Helpful Not Helpful
Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.
Psalm 27:14 ESV / 3,603 helpful votes
Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
Philippians 4:13 ESV / 19 helpful votes
I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
Exodus 15:2 ESV / 13 helpful votes Helpful Not Helpful
The Lord is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God, and I will exalt him."
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